“Postnatal Depression was an overwhelming feeling of isolation and fear. It crept up gradually. There was a constant battle going on in my head: biologically I have to look after this small human but I don’t want to be here” Sarah
Becoming a parent is one of the most life changing things you can ever experience. Nothing can really prepare you for how your life is going to change, the love that you’re going to experience and the new situations you’re going to face. In many ways, it's a magical journey but it's also both mentally and physically challenging, pushing you to new limits you never thought possible. You’re functioning on little to no sleep, trying to keep a tiny human alive, your body is still healing from birth, hormones are changing, if you’re a new parent you’re trying to work everything out minute by minute, breastfeeding is often painful to start, you may be recovering from a traumatic birth. On top of all this, many women have partners that go back to work after just two weeks, there are so many reasons why a women's mental health is incredibly vulnerable after birth. Gone are the days when a whole village would help nurture BOTH baby and mother after birth so it’s no surprise that many women struggle with their mental health postpartum. Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem, affecting more than 1 in every 10 women within a year of giving birth. It can also affect fathers and partners - NHS
"I had PND for about 6 weeks post birth. I felt overwhelmed with sadness, like a black cloud was over my head and I had no control over it. I didn’t want to feel sad. I couldn’t sleep or relax, I became withdrawn and I cried everyday for no particular reason. I felt drained physically and emotionally” Ella
The baby blues are very common in the first two weeks and I myself remember around day 4 sobbing from extreme pain and exhaustion. My tummy hurt from the major surgery (I’d had a c section as my baby was breach and couldn’t walk properly for about 10 days), I was exhausted, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and I hated the fact I couldn’t pick my baby up properly. Thankfully this was just one day and I was able to put all my calming tools to good use but I can 100% see how easy it is to feel overwhelmed, which is why I want to normalise the conversation around maternal mental health.
"At my lowest point I was devastated. I honestly thought I had ruined my life and I’d never be happy again. I wondered if my family would ever forgive me if I gave my baby up for adoption” Sarah
I wanted to understand Post Natal Depression and the other postpartum mental health problem's in more detail so I spoke with four incredible women about their journey. After all my research and speaking with these women, this is what I've learnt:
PND can affect anyone, even if you have had no previous experience with poor mental health
PND symptoms can really vary depending on the person but may include:
Trouble sleeping even when completely exhausted - potential hallucinations from lack of sleep
Difficulty bonding with your baby & then feelings of guilt for experiencing that emotion
A deep feeling of loneliness
Overwhelmed with sadness, like a black cloud is over your head
Constantly anxious, unable to relax - potential panic attacks
Feeling very withdrawn and then withdrawing from others
Physically and mentally drained
Physical symptoms may be - tightness in the chest, sore back, headaches, stomach pains, constantly tense, tight jaw, butterflies in tummy, tight throat...
Frightening thoughts such as harming your baby
Not feeling like you’re a capable mum, like your baby deserves better
Doubting your capabilities as a mother
It can happen gradually without you realising it's happening:
"Even though I knew I wasn’t feeling right I never for once thought that I had PND, it just crept up on me slowly” Yvonne
Postnatal Psychosis is more rare but very serious and may include - feelings of mania, feeling depressed, hallucinating, confused, disorientated…
"Within the first three days after giving birth I had not managed to sleep more than a few hours. My mental health deteriorated rapidly and I lost touch with the world around me. I started having both visual and auditory hallucinations along with mania symptoms. There was no mother and baby unit available so I was sectioned within my own house so I could keep my baby with me. My husband and mother cared for both me and my baby and the mental health crisis team visited 4 times a day to give me medication and check how everyone was doing” Holly
You don’t have to have had a traumatic birth to experience PND or Postpartum Psychosis but it can be a trigger:
"I had a traumatic birth which resulted in an emergency C-section and found the recovery very difficult. At the time I didn’t feel like my partner understood how much pain I was in physically and mentally, which also made it harder for me” Ella
"Birth was traumatic and painful. I felt like I would be failing to have pain relief and so I suffered through 3 days. Towards the end my baby got stuck and she wasn’t breathing when she was born. I swore I would never do it again” Sarah
“The birth was a positive one. I was able to have the birth as I had planned" - Holly
Most mums struggle to talk about it through feelings of guilt and confusion that they should be feeling different:
"I was really confused with my feelings and scared to open up” Sarah
"I remember feeling so guilty and upset that my girls got me as a Mammy, that they deserved so much better” Yvonne
"I was confused as to why I was so sad - after all, I had just had a baby which I had been dreaming of for years - but I just couldn’t shake it off” Ella
Every mother I spoke to had a very different journey but the emotions they experienced were all incredibly similar so if you’ve been feeling any of the above - you are not alone! The great news is, nearly all of them were able to overcome PND and Postpartum Psychosis or at least feel like they are coming through the other side but no more feelings of overwhelm.
So if you can relate to any of the above here are a few things you can do/remember:
Your baby will still love you no matter what, you are the centre of their universe
Speaking to someone is the first step in getting help - reach out to your local midwife, GP or trusted friend. Contact free helplines such as PANDAS UK (0808 1961 776), Mind (0300 123 3393) or contact me kim@happyheads.me
Remember that you are not alone, so many women feel the same and we all need to start normalising talking about maternal mental health to help mothers through this huge transition
Your emotions are all valid - being depressed does not make you a bad person or mean you are going crazy
Being a mother is exhausting and hard - you are doing an amazing job even though you may not feel like it
Your brain is soft wired not hard wired, you won’t feel like this forever and you can transform your mental health with some gentle support
Just because you have one bad moment with your child does not mean they will hate you. Rupture and repair is a key part of parenting, you have endless opportunities to love and support your little one
Remember that you are human, it’s ok to have bad days. Be kind to yourself, always
Never compare your parenting to someone else’s - especially on social media where you’ll only see the filtered pictures of what is a whole other parenting story
Prioritise your self care - it’s essential that you put your self care as a top priority when you become a mum. It doesn’t need to be for long each day but it’s absolutely vital you nurture your own energy
Follow happyheads.me for daily hints and tips on how to look after your mental health. If you go to my IGTV series there are several videos where I show you how to meditate with your baby
Watch the video below to see a simple breathing technique and Emotional Freedom Technique to help deepen your breathing, calm your nervous system and reframe any negative thoughts
HAPPY HEADS SUPPORT
If you are struggling in any way here are a few ways I can help:
PND Support Sessions
I’m going to be running regular online support sessions for women who have struggled with PND and maternal mental health. This will be a safe space for mothers to nurture their wellbeing, process their emotions, rebuild their confidence and ultimately be the best versions of themselves. They will be online sessions, so easy to join from home. If this is something that you’re interested and would like some more information then please get in touch kim@happyheads.me
Parent Wellbeing - Online Course
I have an 8 week online course that has been specifically designed for parents to reduce stress and anxiety, release self doubt, overcome negative thoughts and improve sleep (the little that you do get). It’s filled with meditations, breathing techniques, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), visualisations, understanding the brain and so much more. All created so that you can fit it around your daily routine. Click here for more info x
Pregnancy Birth and Beyond - Online Course
This 12 week course has been designed to support you throughout the whole perinatal journey. Ensuring you remain as calm and relaxed as your baby grows through pregnancy, empowering and preparing you for labour and supporting you postpartum. It’s also filled with guided meditations, breathing techniques, Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), visualisations, understanding birth and labour, knowing how your brain works and so much more. You’ll come away with a giant 'tool box of calm’ to use whenever you need along your parenting journey. Click here for more info x
Happy Heads - One to One
Private session are a great way for you to work on your own personal needs. For private sessions I’ll send out some questions and then tailor it to your exact needs. It will include breathing techniques, guided meditation and a full round of Emotional Freedom Technique. I teach from my flat in Dalston or via Skype.
I want to stay a HUGE thank you to the women that helped me write this article. Their honesty and journeys are inspiring and I am so grateful they got in touch. Here are some of their words of hope for anyone that needs to hear them right now:
"While you are in the middle of things it can seem like there is no way out but it does get better. It will always be apart of you and your story but so will the determination to carry on despite the now". Holly
"You’re doing everything right. Just keep going, your reward is coming, that little person will hug you back soon” Sarah
"You are not alone! There is help out there. There are mothers that understand how you feel. Seek it, talk about it, and remember that you are doing a great job!” Ella
"I know that it can be the loneliest of places even if you are surrounded by people but you are not alone in the way you are feeling. Ask for help today, I promise it’s the first step in feeling like yourself again” Yvonne
Sending so much love to all the incredible mothers out there trying their best every day, parenting is hard but you are doing an amazing job! Let’s all support each other through this crazy journey and normalise talking about maternal mental health - because it matters.
Kim
Xxx